It has come to my attention that nearly 3/4 of male users on hi5 are, in fact, a bunch of drooling, desperate perverts who actually believe that women enjoy receiving messages relating to the size of their penis from complete strangers.Well, they do. But only because it’s so bloody funny.

Here is a checklist I expect every male to follow before he sends a message to the opposite sex.

DO NOT:

1. Send marriage proposals. I’m afraid most women are not interested in marrying complete strangers. Sorry.

2. Boast about (or maintain any details concerning) the size of your penis. Whether or not you have the right to boast is irrelevant.

3. Exploit English illiteracy. Although many of you can hardly write to save your life, don’t abuse this fact to gain sympathy from women.

3. Send a pathetic single-line message asking to be friends. I’m sorry, but ‘hey sexygurlxxx88. can I be ur freind?’ is just laughable.

And to the ladies, you never know - any message you receive from a ‘muscly jock’ claiming to ‘want to get to know you better’ could be from a dirty old man hiding away in the confines of his cramped apartment studio.

Since such scenarios have occured in the past, the dirty old man award has been created. To be eligible for this award, you have to find a woman stupid enough to believe you’re a young, sexy stud and successfully set a date with her.

Oh, and for the record, any girl called sexygurlxxx88 or similar deserves to be hanged, drawn, and quartered.

It makes me want want to write another journal entry on annoying nicknames actually…