The Witch’s Brew
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg and owlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
You’ll be relieved to know that this is not the recipe for the ooze they stir in the cauldrons of Choueifat cafeterias that end up as pizzas, French fries, and, of course, the notorious macaroni; it is merely the words of a witch from Shakespeare’s Macbeth.
Ingredients that do find their way into the cafeteria food are no less exotic, however, and consist of things such as: live flies, dead mosquitoes, ants, wasp abdomens and human hairs.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that it is limited to these items alone - the odd staple has been known to appear in sandwiches on occasion. The first thing that popped into my head was a bloated executive pointing and shouting, ‘Sue ‘em!’ but then I remembered, I’m not in America.
You’ll certainly be forgiven for not noticing these unwelcome additions to your pizza, though, as they’re hidden behind a layered cake of rotten, pasty tomato sauce, a rubbery glob of cheese and finally a thick coating of oil that escapes the pizza drop by drop when held up. Only the veterans of Choueifat will be able to notice the camouflaged bug amongst their delicious meals. Newcomers will only notice it by the crunching sound of teeth against fly.
Those who come to our school are welcome to a tour of the kitchen, but I must warn you in advance that some form of air filtering device is required (preferably a gas mask) as the current student record for the greatest number of seconds stayed in the kitchen area is only equal to the longest breath held: about 74.36 seconds as of November 2006 - not quite enough to partake in the full experience.
The sweat-ridden cook is always an amusing sight to see as he steps out of the kitchen with a look of pure aggravation on his face (which is understandable considering the previous paragraph) to deliver the hourly batch of soggy French fries. He wipes a greasy hand across his already greasy forehead, samples a few, and walks sombrely back into the kitchen to fulfil the wishes of the starving masses outside.
And so the cycle continues until the day where a hero among us will rise up and take a stand. When that day comes we may all be freed from the prison slop being tossed on to our plates!
Here’s to edible food in Choueifat cafeterias everywhere!
* Note: some liberties have been taken during the writing of this text. While most of it is absolutely true, some parts are slight exaggerations for the sake of making a point. I personally find most of the food in our school unacceptable, but I am further pained by the fact that I am too lazy to bring in my own food. Oh, and for all those wondering, we did actually find a wasp abdomen in the spinach, cleverly disguised among the pine seeds. We extracted the two and placed them side by side for your careful observation and opinion.
Ugh. That’s gross. We have the chef from the restaurant at the Nad Al Sheba Horse Racing Club cooking at our school. Rashid School has some chef who used to work at the Burj Al Arab. But ew. Seriously. Ew. Despite all this, you’re STILL too lazy to bring your own food? Jeremy, seriously. Ew.
Sanakins said this on November 12th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
Unfortunately, Round Table Pizza caters for the Choueifat schools, and the only ‘cooks’ are those that fry the French fries.
My laziness is greater than my desire to eat. :D
The English Nomad said this on November 13th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Hahahahahahahahahaha. You can count on me to try my absolute best to get this approved. I read this first bit and then collapsed on the floor. My mum read it and was like, eww I’m never letting you eat the school food as well. Haha, you left out the hair-permeable hair nets!
Nami said this on November 13th, 2006 at 8:33 pm
everytime i hear another disgusting story about any type of cafeteria food i think “resistance is futile!” its madness how the quality of the food seems to diminish as the the price of the crap they sell rises … haha a good picture of the bug next to the pine seed … and btw; if its any consolation, the food here sucks ass too; and its a freakin university! TC Jeremia …
Mustafa said this on November 14th, 2006 at 9:25 am
what an enlightening experience…and people still ask me the seemingly never ending question: “If you could get a chance to not do all that shit again in school and not get expelled, would you…?” and as always my consistent reply of a mere “yes” sustains…
good article
omer abbasi said this on November 14th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
Anyone who reads this must know all this is true, I personally experienced having a dead mosquito in my pasta, and of course i’ll never remember the day I had a wasp’s ass in my spinach…
Ahmed said this on November 15th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
Yeesh! Jeremy that sounds terrible! Bet u even the witches filthy brew tasted better than the shit they serve up in our cafeteria! No worries though dude! My cafe is steadily climbing the ladder of the grotesque and dispicable
Karan said this on November 21st, 2006 at 7:25 pm
then they wonder y we order food from outside
Hussain A said this on November 22nd, 2006 at 11:03 pm
It must suck for you Dubai guys, considering that, from the little I’ve seen, Dubai Choueifat doesn’t seem to have much around it. AD Choueifat’s in the education district, which is rife with fast food restaurants and little restaurants. We have a gate pass, so on the only days that we have to stay in school past midday, we go out and grab a bite. A decently prepared, clean sort of bite. I haven’t been to my school cafeteria in an age.
On further reflection, stating all that makes me seem like an arrogant bastard. My apologies.
Caracaos said this on December 5th, 2006 at 8:29 pm
Nah, you’re not - you’re just lucky enough to have some restaurants around you. We end up ordering Pizza Hut or something similar and sneaking it over the wall (see the ‘Movie Clips’ link on the sidebar).
Are you allowed to leave the school using your gate pass even if you have lessons afterwards?
The English Nomad said this on December 5th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
I saw that movie when searching ‘Choueifat’ on Youtube. You guys make us look like a bunch of boring sobs - well, we are, essentially.
Yeah, we can opt for lunch passes when filling out the gatepass form, although a lunch doesn’t work before 11.
Caracaos said this on December 6th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
I think maybe its time to start bringing your own food :x
and dont complain about the grease dripping off the pizza, that is usually a sign of amazing pizza. Regardless, that is horrible and you should really try (if possible) to do something about it.
Witchcraft said this on March 4th, 2007 at 12:32 am
And how did you stumble upon my site? A search for something witch related perhaps? :smile:
I’ve taken to bringing my own food now. :mrgreen:
The English Nomad said this on March 4th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Bad news 0
Tanya said this on March 14th, 2007 at 7:39 am
Nice site! Keep up the good work!3
Chris said this on June 25th, 2007 at 11:52 am