Welcome to the sequel of the much acclaimed ‘There Are 5 Types Of Exams…’ article. I first contemplated writing one along the lines of the different types of women, but soon decided against it in the interest of my health.

For some, it is a place of pain and misery, of endless struggle and excruciating agony. For others, it is a haven of self-betterment, the juice of Olympian strength from which only the most committed may drink.

It is… The Gym. Notice the capital ‘G’ - only a revered place of worship is worthy of such capitalisation.

Over time, I’ve come to notice that anyone who goes to the Gym can be categorised into at least one of the following groups:

• The Newb

The Newb is a shy and reserved being. Not used to his new surroundings, he wanders the Gym flitting from machine to machine, but never actually gains the courage to use one lest he make a fool of himself. He will avoid all eye contact and finally retreat to the exercise bicycle where he feels most comfortable.

• The Defiant Weakling

You watch him carefully as he racks weight upon weight onto the bench press bar. You look at his physique then back at the humongous weights he’s attached and 1 + 1 does not add up to 2. You want to warn him and spare the Gym the disaster of last month’s Defiant Weakling, but decide it’s none of your business. A Narcissist (see below) then appears and explains in a arrogant manner that he ‘can’t possibly lift those weights, fool!’ Nevertheless, the Defiant Weakling remains… defiant, and fobs him off with a closed fist display. He lays himself nicely below the bar, gets comfy, and in a flurry of motion, throws his hand up to the bar, subconsciously hoping the momentum will make up for his lack of strength. The bar edges millimetres off its metal base, tilts precariously from side to side, and slowly, slowly, comes crashing down onto Defiant Weakling’s pelvic area, thus ‘delivering the blow’ to his chances of ever producing offspring. Ladies and gentleman, a Darwin Award please!

• The Cardio Nut

‘You gotta get pumped! You gotta sweat it out! You gotta move, move, move those legs, you know wh’ah’m sayin’?’ The Cardio nut will tell you before he makes an excuse to leave and jumps on the treadmill, sets the speed to 102 and zooms off. Any machines involving weights of any type will incur a snort of dismissal from the Cardio Nut. For the Cardio Nut, the treadmill is God’s gift to man, and the ONLY machine you’ll ever see him on.

• The Audiophile

Derived from Latin audire (”to hear”) and Greek philos (”loving”), the modern day gymgoing Audiophile is in love with hearing himself. Picture a quiet scene save for the occasional clinking of metal or rattling of pulleys, when all of a sudden you hear a deafening groan followed by a heavy intake of air. Activity then ceases in the Gym while all eyes turn towards the lone man in the corner, the Audiophile, who is currently busy lifting weights.

• The Narcissist

One who spends more time flexing in front of a mirror than sweating it out on a machine, the Narcissist will randomly stop in front of you, flex a bicep or two, shadily mutter something to the effect of ‘Oh, yeah…’ while nodding his head then move on to the next unsuspecting gymgoer. Their most famous pose is the constipated-face-with-upper-double-bicep-flex, but they have been known to produce a bent-knees-underarm-double-bicep-flex at times. Some Narcissists have the appearance to back up their flaunting, but most of them are victims of an inflated self-image.

• The Raging Bull

The Raging Bull is a towering, bulky figure that sees all in shades of red, and as his name suggests, launches a ferocious attack on everything around him. Ridder of Newbs, archenemy of Narcissists, and obliterator of Audiophiles, the Raging Bull can lift mountainous weights with his little pinky and break a steel bar in half without warning. Whether this is due to an indulgence in steroids or not is unknown as few are willing to confront him for fear of agitating his already crumbling humanity.

A commonly seen mutation of the Raging Bull is the Lumbering Giant, who is similar in every aspect except for the intense rage.

Of course, normal people go to the Gym too…